Fighting for Radical Kindness

Or how nice is different from kind and why that's important.

A quote from me from the podcast Hot Mamas, about parents tackling climate change.

“I just want to raise my kids to be kind,” the Facebook comment read.

My eyebrow raised. This comment followed a back and forth between me and the commenter. That conversation was sparked by her complaining that she was sick of people trying to shame white people. Except the post it was a reply to wasn’t shaming at all - it was just discussing racism. Trying to provide an alternative perspective, I explained because of the unjust systems we live in that we all have some level of racism and we actively have to work to be anti-racist. She basically said that she was disgusted at me trying to create conflict and would raise her kids to be “color-blind.” And then she dropped that line on me about “raising her kids to be kind.”

Really? Really?!

So you want to raise your kids to be kind. Cool. So do I. In fact, I wrote a whole damn book about it. But I think her and I have a fundamental disagreement about what “kindness” means.

Dictionary definitions are far from perfect, but I think the one from Merriam Webster on the word “kind” is pretty good:
1. Of a good or benevolent nature or disposition, as a person
2. having, showing, or proceeding from benevolence
3. indulgent, considerate, or helpful; humane
From that definition, a kind person is one who is good and works from a desire to help others. Makes sense. To me, working from a desire to help others inherently requires affirming people’s humanity and not dehumanizing them.

So what does any of this have to do with racism or systemic injustice?

Racism is inherently dehumanizing to non-white people, especially Black and Indigenous people – that’s its focus and goal. And it’s not just individuals. Our systems sit atop a foundation of racism and other forms of prejudice. You can see it everywhere once you start looking. And none of it is kind.

Punishing Black kids more harshly than white kids for the same acts in school – which is a frequent and common phenomena – and funneling them into the juvenile justice system is not kind.

Holding people in jail for months or even years before trial – often separating parents from their children – because they can’t afford bail is not kind.

Removing refugee and immigrant children (including nursing infants) from their parents because their parents are seeking a better life, is not kind.

Denying health care to children because their parents can’t afford insurance or the insurance won’t cover their needs is not kind.

Accelerating climate change that disproportionately affects marganilized people, including Black, Hispanic, and Indigenous people in the U.S., poor people of all races, and people in previously colonized countries is not kind.

Refusing to move the boundary lines in a school district that has resources distributed in an incredibly unequal way is not kind.

Teaching children that it’s best to ignore these injustices and instead settle for being “nice” is not kind. For those in the back – It Is Not Kind. To claim that it is kind is disingenuous. Dishonest. Even immoral.

But considering how people are using the word “kind,” perhaps we should just abandon it. Leave it to those who want to strip meaning from a word that’s supposed to mean benevolent or humane.

Or perhaps it’s time to reclaim it from the people who want to rip its heart out. Maybe we can make it the radical motivation for change it can be. Maybe it can be a way to help people radically expand their viewpoint of what it means to be kind, a good person, a role-model for their kids. That’s it’s more than just helping your neighbor that looks like you and letting things stand the way they are otherwise.

But either way the word goes, let’s raise our kids to be rebels and change-makers. Community members who treat everyone as their neighbor. People who collaborate and band together to change the systems so all kids – all people – can thrive.

I originally published this post on my blog in 2021, but it still felt very relevant today.

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With the strange confluence of Trump’s inauguration and Martin Luther King Jr. Day being yesterday, a lot of people want to take action. Rather than setting out on your own, find out what people in your area are already doing and pitch in with what is needed. Google “mutual aid” or “racial justice” or “climate change” and your city to see what’s already out there and how you can get involved in your community. If you’re already involved, please share organizations you are involved with in the comments!